Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I’m the Outcast of the Family

To give a little background information about my family, my older sister has always been jealous of me and everyone. She was always mean to me when we were younger and I would tell on her for being mean (not to be a tattletale, but to make her stop), so then she would say that she was mean to me because I told on her. If my mom ever gave me something, my sister would be insanely jealous and accuse my mom of playing favorites. It could be something as little as helping me with my yard work. So she has always resented me and still does. If I had the worst husband in the world, my kids hated me, my house foreclosed, I lost my car, etc., she would still find something to be jealous of me about.

I feel like my aunt has always resented me because she thinks I was always mean to her kids. Usually her daughter would be mean to our cousin, I would stick up for my cousin, and I would be the one to get in trouble.

I am usually not invited to family get-togethers. I missed my mom and dad’s birthdays a couple years in a row because they didn’t invite me. I felt broken-hearted over it. The excuse was, “You never go to any other get-togethers, so we figured we’d be wasting our time inviting you.” Well, that’s because there was a family get-together every weekend, and it was normally at a time that I was at church, but I certainly didn’t want to miss my parent’s birthday parties.

Anyway, a few months ago I got a call from my niece. She was crying and said that her mom said she was going to kill herself. I could hear my sister screaming in the background, so I told my niece to hang up and call the police. When I got off the phone, I told my husband what happened. He wanted to make sure everything was okay. Looking out for my niece, he called the cops to see if they could check on the situation. Things happened that were out of our hands, my sister made her own choices, and ended up losing her daughter to her biological father. So now my sister blames me and is trying to get back at me for this happening. She does not take responsibility for her own actions, and everything that has ever happened to her has always been someone else’s fault (in her eyes).

Fast forward to today when my mom is living with my aunt, has been there for a few months, she isn’t doing well—it’s gotten harder for her to breath, she can’t move her arms or hands, she can’t stand, she’s in a wheel chair all day, etc. My sister blames my aunt for my mom losing muscle because my aunt does not work with her on physical therapy. My sister says she needs it every day and she notices a difference when she has had her physical therapy the day before—she is stronger. She is weaker when she hasn’t had her physical therapy.

So my sister has been trying to put it all on me. I live in a different town, different state even, than both my sisters, mom, dad, aunts, etc. live in. I have four kids and a full-time business to run. Both my sisters have one child, my oldest sister does not work, my youngest sister works full-time. My older sister wants me to take over the physical therapy, drive at least three times a week back and fourth to give my mom 20 minutes of physical therapy. My van is unreliable, a gas hog, I don’t have money for gas, and I am busy, busy, busy. I told her she needs to find someone in the same town who is willing to give her physical therapy. When I tell her “no”, she says, “You owe me. You’re the one that got my child support taken away.” Not child, but child support.

Once she even told me that she hopes that me and my husband get a divorce, just because she was mad that he called the cops. My sister would continue the manipulation and say heartless things like, “Mom will be dead soon, so then you won’t have to worry about giving her physical therapy,” “She’s going to be put in a nursing home soon because our aunt can’t take good enough care of her, unless you help”, “I only have one sister.” She disowned me over it. Pathetic, I know. But it gets even worse.

So my sister asked if I could get people from my mom's church to start volunteering. I didn't think it was my place to ask the entire church, so asked one of the church members that go to my mom’s church to see if anyone wants to volunteer to do physical therapy. Whoa, that was the wrong thing to do! My aunt accused me of “guilting” people into helping. I wrote a huge note of appreciation to my aunt, saying how much I appreciate what she’s done for my mom, and explained that this month was really rough financially because we were behind on our mortgage, so I probably wouldn’t be over there much. I was trying to be nice and mend things with my aunt, but I think it was a waste of time. She's so disappointed in me--I don't even want to show my face to her.

We’re having a birthday party for my youngest daughter, and my sister sent me a mean message on facebook, saying that nobody was going to come to my party. She wants everyone to help her unpack her U-haul at the same time that the party is, rather than afterwards. The party is at noon, so there’s plenty of time to unload afterwards. She said my mom couldn’t come because she would be watching her. My dad and aunt wouldn’t be there because they would be unpacking. I called my aunt, left a message because there was no answer, and sent her a message, saying that I could pick my mom up so that she could at least be there. She then replied, accusing me of things that weren’t true, saying that she didn't want to tell my mom about the party because she figures I will forget to pick her up. To me, it seems like my aunt and sister are trying to keep me from seeing my mom. My mom has no say in anything, it seems. Just before Thanksgiving, my sister was really mean to me and expected me not to be there for Thanksgiving. She was surprised when I told her that I would still go. So Christmas is coming up and maybe she’s trying to get me to not come for Christmas. Well, this time it worked. I’m not stepping foot in that town.

I was the first one to offer to take my mom in to live with me, but since my house is so small, we don't have much room, and I have four rambunctious kids, my offer was declined. I would have taken good care of my mom and I wouldn't have charged ANY money to do it or manipulated anyone to help me.

I was listening to Joyce Meyer’s teaching on Confrontation and she talked about how you need to get away from people who are manipulating you, discouraging you, and interfering with your walk with God. I felt like that was a confirmation that I need to avoid all contact with my aunt and sister. My husband also confirmed that, and he didn’t even hear Joyce’s message.  Then my pastors also confirmed it. I washed my hands of it all, and felt a huge burden lift. I felt freedom like I haven’t felt in a long time—like when I quit going to college.

I had been helping a LOT with my mom’s care before she went to my aunt’s house, so there is no reason for them to be guilting me about not being over there more. I helped when no one else was. I have spoken with my pastors about it and they have told me that I need to be bold and say, “no”. They reassured me that I have no reason to feel guilty because God knows what I’ve done to help, and He knows how much I have on my plate already. Doesn’t it make more sense to have someone in the same town help with physical therapy, instead of someone coming from another town, who already has a lot to do, to help with a mere 20 minutes? So my sister sent me a message, saying that my dad was going to pay for someone to come over three times a week, and it was going to take all his money and I better not ask to borrow any money from him because he’ll be broke. Crazy, I know. It’s just more manipulation. I understand why my niece doesn’t want to be around her, if she is the same way with her, which she is—I’ve witnessed it, as well as others. She continuously says that I do the same thing to her as her ex does. She doesn’t realize that she is doing to me what she is doing to her ex. Many people outside my family can see the manipulation that’s going on. I feel safe with my mother-in-law. She has never talked behind my back or criticized me. So I’m going to her house for Christmas this year, and every future family holiday.

It’s sad that my mom has to be the one caught in the middle of it, but if my aunt and sister truly care for my mom, they will stop this nonsense and be civil to me. It’s really sad when I feel like I would be privileged NOT to know them. I wish I was just a stranger on the street to them. I’d even rather they think I was dead so they can forget about me, which is why I defriend them on facebook. Many people say that Satan is using them to get to me. Well, back off Satan! Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world!