Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The Struggle Isn’t Over

It’s been almost four months since my mom past away. It’s still hard to believe she’s gone. I struggle with regrets of not spending more time with her while she was alive, not having more heart-felt talks with her. But at the time I was seeing her struggle to stay alive, it was so difficult on me, that I had to push my emotions and feelings aside. It was just too much for me to handle.

I think about her often and miss her like crazy. I’ve been writing in a journal that my pastor gave me years ago, letters to my mom. It’s not a journal, it’s letters. I write to my mom and tell her how I feel. I believe she’s watching over me and can read those letters. The first letter I wrote to her I put in her casket with her at the viewing before the funeral. I told her that I wished I could know if she was watching over me. After the funeral, two people came up to me and told me that she is watching over me.

I’ve been writing a lot lately for her to come to me in my dreams and talk to me. That’s the biggest thing I miss about her being gone: our conversations. A few years ago, when it was difficult for her to hold a phone to her ear, she’d have the phone on speaker and I didn’t like being on speaker, so I quit calling her. She’d call me once in a while, but it was getting more difficult for her to talk, especially this last year. Our last phone conversation was on my birthday in 2012. She sang happy birthday to me for the last time. I couldn’t help but cry. She could barely sing the words because her speech had gotten so bad. She was at my aunt’s house at that time, so it was a quick call. I tried talking to her, but my aunt said she needed to go. A few months later, she called on my daughter’s birthday and I missed the phone call, so she left a voice message. And I’m soooooooo glad!!!! Because I have a recording of her. Here it is: