Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Ramblings

Wow, it’s been over a year since my last post, and it was about not griping. Well, I’ve been really depressed lately, mostly because I am losing my ability to do things with my right hand. Several months ago my left wrist hurt to work with it. I couldn’t bend it. I had to wear a brace for it. After taking supplements (Collagen, MSM, etc.) my wrist stopped hurting. Then my right wrist hurt. So I did the same thing, wore a brace, took supplements. Well this past week my right wrist and hand has been hurting. I’ve been taking supplements and wearing a brace, which helps, but if I do much of anything with it, it continues to hurt. It got to the point where I couldn’t even wash my face or crumple up a piece of paper without it hurting. It is better after wearing a brace, though. It still hurts to type. I hate not being able to use my right hand when I’m right-handed. It’s been a difficult challenge to stop using my right hand and try to use my left hand instead. I’m afraid that if I keep doing that, though, then my left wrist will begin to hurt. Not being able to do regular things has got me down, but not being able to sew has got me down even worse. I made a backpack for my youngest daughter. It took 9 hours from start to finish. Afterwards, my hand hurt so bad. I took the next day off, so I didn’t use my hand hardly at all, and I felt completely worthless. I am a doer—I have to do things, I have to get things done. I can’t just sit and do nothing.

Mother’s Day is coming up. This will be my second year without my mom. It’s been emotional lately. It seems like any little thing gets to me and I break down in tears. Last night I went to bed at 7:30 because I was so emotionally drained. My second daughter turned 13 the other day and I bought her a couple things plus a $20 gift card, made her favorite meal—lasagna, and made a chocolate lava cake. After the gift card, she said, “I thought you said I would LOVE it.” She seemed very ungrateful and I just couldn’t believe it. My oldest daughter thinks it’s because she gets so spoiled when she visits her bio dad. Last year my oldest daughter didn’t go to summer visitation because she was done dealing with his attitude. She still doesn’t want anything to do with him. He makes her feel rejected. He is an angry man. That was her words. He never calls her or texts her. When she texts him, he assumes it’s my other daughter and that makes her feel bad. She said he’ll talk all nice until he finds out it’s her and then he says “Have you been good?” She’s been VERY good this last couple years. It’s my 13-year-old that I’ve had the most trouble with. She has the worst attitude ever. She flat out is disrespectful and mean. None of her siblings want anything to do with her, her friends have shunned her. I really feel bad for her, but she’s done it to herself.

I miss having my mom to talk to about these things. I talked to her about EVERYTHING, until she couldn’t talk well anymore. I miss being able to share with her the things I’ve made. Now I talk to my little sister about everything, and share on facebook the things I’ve made. It’s not quite the same though. Someday I’ll understand why God took her and didn’t heal her. Someday I’ll stop being mad at Him for it. Someday I’ll heal. But until then, I feel like I’m in a dark lonely place.